This is harder than it looks and sounds

My "new life" with Crohn's Disease is very hard.  Yet very easy because I have decided to make it as easy as possible.  I can't control my health, to a large extent.But I can control my emotions and reactions.  Yesterday classifies as one of the hardest days living with my "curse".  My day was going so smoothly, and I was so happy to be making cinnamon rolls in my kitchen.  I love to bake! I also received a phone call yesterday from someone who is putting together a graduation banquet.  Yes very sweet.  But the phone call was full of seemingly thousands of questions.  She naively thought that I could simply eat a gluten free package of some sort.  Wrong.  That is full of starch, among many other things.  Then she said "ok I'll just make you some rice, corn, or potatoes".  I explained that wouldn't work either.  I tried not to make it difficult   Then she asked if I could have a freezer meal from costco.  What part of that works?  I don't know?  Umm. nothing. "Yeah this is much bigger than I thought".  She told me.  And I said "Yeah you're telling me".  And most people at school don't even know one tenth of my limitations.  I handled the phone call well, maturely, and non-emotional.  I thought to myself "good job Camille :)".  I thought that maybe my melt downs of emotion are over.  But they aren't. Yesterday was also my little brother's birthday.  I love him so much.  And birthdays and celebrations in my home are always challenging.  Challenging because I try to have the cheerfullest attitude possible about the birthday dinner and birthday cake.  The birthday is about them.  Not me.  And I DO NOT want to draw attention to myself about complaining about my Crohn's Disease.  And I'm sorry that sometimes I accidentally do.  I"m only human.  But I'm doing the very best I can.  Yesterday my brother's birthday dinner choice was quite possibly the worst choice for my stomach and my emotions.  He chose to have an alfredo pasta and crab dinner.  I do not eat crab because I don't like shellfish.  And I am severely reactive to foods with gluten.  Such as pasta.  I also really wish that I could eat alfredo pasta because it is delicious.  And last but not least, he chose to have a chocolate cake.  I cannot even look at chocolate cake.  It sent me straight to the E.R. one night.  I am never eating chocolate cake again.  As I was happily baking all the sudden my mom asked me what I would like to have for my dinner.  (She asked me when I was hungry and right before dinner).  I call moments like these "survival mode".  When I am hungry and emotional I cannot think rationally and it is very hard not to get emotional.  I started to cry.  A lot.  Frustrated, I tried to gather my emotions and went to the store to buy something for my cinnamon rolls that I had been working on.  And I was making the cinnamon rolls so that I would have a dessert that night as well.  I was trying to make the birthday seen easier on me.  I have come to expect that I will just spend hours in the kitchen, as my coping method, when there are celebratory events.  And all celebratory events include food in my family and in most.  Anyways, I went to the store yesterday and had to walk down the baking isle.  I could hardly hold back my tears.  Either eating so strictly in order to avoid getting really sick or eating what I want and going to the E.R. doesn't really seem fair to me.  I cried as I looked into peoples shopping carts.  I saw all the easy quick to prepare meals that they were purchasing.  I thought about how they take the luxury of convenient food for granted.  I thought about how I used to do the same.  I thought about how my new life is different.  I thought about how hard my life is.  Then, of course, I  happened to go to a cashier line where the cashier was handicapped, yet so happy. I realized that we all have "handicaps".  It's just that some are less visible than others.  They all hurt so bad.  And it is up to us to decide what our attitude will be.  Yesterday, I went on a walk with a dear friend.  She was so kind to listen to me and I wasn't even embarrassed to cry in front of her as she listened.  The walk with her yesterday calmed me down and I was able to help my brother celebrate his birthday.  Yes it is still very hard.  Yes my heart is still broken because of this trial.  And yes I am ok.  I am ok because of my Savior Jesus Christ.  I prayed yesterday for strength to see past my trials.  And strength is what I am receiving.  Trials may not be fully taken away because there would be nothing to learn if that was the case.