Facing Every Fear

Fear is an interesting thing. And I have a lot of them. We all do.

I am reminded many times, and am starting to believe that courage is not the absence of fear, but pressing on despite of fear.

By that definition, I am growing courage.

I am 22 years old, and have already faced many of my fears.
A long term illness.
Hospitals.
Frequent Dr. visits.
Weekly injections.
Cancer.

Yes, the C word. Cancer. After yesterday, I am pretty sure I don't have it. But I will know for sure this week. For the past month I have been discovering lumps in many of my lymph nodes. And for those who don't know, ALL immunosuppressants carry an increased risk of lymphoma because they are manipulating an oh so needed and in my case not working immune system. Cancer has literally been my biggest fear of all of Crohn's. So big of a fear, I haven't even mentioned it until now. I've had a CT scan, check ups, and blood draws, all of which have been inconclusive. I may have lymphoma, I may not. I have been quietly waiting and it hurts. Yesterday I went in for the dreaded and anticipated biopsy. The doc insisted that "it was just a few small needles in my neck" and I wouldn't need sedation. Well, he quickly realized that I would need it and after 3 tries to get my IV in and some nice sedation he took what he needed out of my neck.

They will call this week with the results.

Here's the thing. I witnessed another miracle yesterday. As they were running the ultrasound on my lumps they noticed it looked 95% benign. Yay! It looked so good the radiologist almost didn't do the biopsy. But we went forth because I haven't been able to take my oh so scary and needed biologic until we get the clear zone. Because it has been 5 weeks without medicine, my Crohn's is starting to flare again. But it could be much worse, just like the summer.

I know I am being sustained by God, who has literally felt what I have. And has sent me family and friends and nice medical staff to make it through. Whatever the outcome may be.

I've learned quite a lot this month. And I am sorry to admit, that I have been sitting on the sidelines for many instances. I have been quiet, afraid, sad, not as full of faith as I would like to be. When the other day my dad reminded me that I have SO much to be grateful for!

My sister just returned safely from her mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I have the most amazing, loving, and supportive husband.
And lots of people have hard things, yet remain happy.

So, today I am taking a deeper look into myself to put a stop on this doubt, sadness, and uncertainty. I may not know the future, but everything will work for my benefit if I just trust God.

How am I going to get back on track?
I will turn outward, not inward.
I am sharing my fears on my blog, in an attempt to vulnerably share my undeniable faith.
I will count my blessings.
I will keep myself busy with lots of worthwhile things.
And I will stay close to Christ by prayer, scripture study, and trying to be like Him.

And as I was laying in the familiar hospital bed yesterday. I looked at my sister smiling across the bed from me, and then at my hand with a shiny ring on my finger. Two of the Lord's promises have already come true. My sister was indeed returned to me after 18 long months, and I have met the love of my life, my sweet companion to help get me through to safety. My mom pointed out that this is evidence that even in our hardest moments, God loves to weave joy into everything.

I also want to add that Priesthood blessings are a wonderful thing. I ask for them all the time and I know that God has unlimited blessings. He is standing by waiting for us to ask for help.


I am pretty sure I really don't have cancer. (We'll see). And that God loves to test, try, and mold us in the most fiery and painful situations. Those very trials are the catalyst for Christlike attributes. As I look back on my past fears, they aren't so scary anymore. And I know that one day, this too shall pass and will be less scary. 

In the mean time, I am facing every fear.

*** In an effort to turn outward, instead of inward. I am collecting blankets for Primary Children's Medical Center (where I was first diagnosed). Contact me if you would like to help!