Harder than you know

Dear world, and dear family,

Living life with Crohn's Disease is harder than you will ever know.

And that is ok.

I don't expect you to fully understand, how could I?

I even find it hard to express completely what I feel using the English language.

Here is my attempt to explain my current emotions.

Ok.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine, coming home from school happy, excited, full of life, health, and energy and run home inside to the warm inviting smell of fresh, hot, homemade bread.

Not to mention, the convenience of it.

Bread is available to eat, whenever and wherever.

And imagine spreading on top of the bread fresh honey butter, jam, or butter.

MMM. Yum!

Imagine that your wonderful Mom has worked for years to perfect her bread recipe and this bread you always look forward to it. 

It's not just the bread, it's what it symbolizes.

Being with your family, made with love, the smell, the memories, the ability to be able to eat this hot yummy bread.

Imagine that while you are eating this bread you perhaps, heaven forbid, even take it for granted.

You have never heard of such things as gluten intolerance or Crohn's Disease.

Life is bliss.

Not because of the bread, but because you don't know how good you've got it till it's gone.

What if the bread looked as good as this??

What if I told you that this bread represents a huge memory from my amazing childhood?

Well it does.

Dear world, and dear family,

What would you do if you suddenly woke up one day extremely sick only to find that you only got sicker as the days went on.

You don't know why you are sick, and you are starting to believe you are going to die.

Losing nearly ten pounds in one night is scary.

Trust me.

What if you had to get a colonoscopy at the young age of only 16?

Well that's what I did.

What if you woke up from anesthesia to be filled with joy when your Mom told you the very words…

You have Crohn's Disease, Camille.

Well, I was filled with joy because I finally had a diagnosis.

Little did I know what this diagnosis would mean for me.

No bread?

Are you kidding me?

At the time, I thought ok that's a piece of cake!

Ha!

Oh it is so hard.

Hard beyond belief. 

However, self-discipline with my diet makes it oh so worth it because I have regained my health.

My life.

Today I broke down.

I sobbed.

I walked in to home silently saying a prayer on my way home from school in my heart to please help me find something to eat.

I was starving.

I settled on a mushy coconut wrap, that is actually pretty expensive.

So I try to show my appreciation.

I ate it.

It mostly filled me up.

I walked in and smelled the most wonderful smell of hot, fresh, homemade bread.

I haven't smelled this smell in a long long time.

My mom claims that she has made bread since my diagnosis.

But apparently I have been oblivious or something.

Today I was on the computer.

My siblings and my Mom gathered around me to look at the screen.

Oh, One more thing.

They all had hot bread in their hands.

And I was still a bit hungry and had noticed the bread all along.

I told myself, you can do this Camille.

Be strong. 

Don't snap back, they don't understand.

I couldn't hold the tears in.

I cried cause I wanted to be eating the bread with them.

I ran to my room, so that I could be as nice as possible.

So, how did I cope today?

Well, first things first.

I take it day by day.

I ran to my room and fell on my knees.

I sobbed and said a prayer to my Heavenly Father.

It sounded something like this.

Oh Heavenly Father, Life is so hard!  All I want right now is to just eat bread with my family.  Please help me to be nice to them.  Please help me to not be sad anymore.  Please help me to deal with my new life.

And I repeated this over and over.

Until I started to feel a little better.

Then I read the Book of Mormon.

That always comforts me.

And then I sat and thought.

I remembered some kind words a friend told me.

He said, Camille, basically, that the way I've handled my diagnosis is inspiring and that I've never given him the impression that I am looking to complain or receive sympathy.

To this friend.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And to my family.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

I'm sorry that I complain.

I'm sorry that I cry.

I'm sorry that I have Crohn's Disease.

But do you know what?

I am handling difficult situations better all the time. 

And thanks to all who are there to support me.

I know that things will get easier.

Hey?  At least I'm feeling a whole heck of a lot healthier.

So, I may cry from time to time.

Somedays, all the time.

My family asks, what would you like me to do about this?

To them I say, live your life as you would.

Keep me in mind.

Don't forget I'm sick just because I seem healthy.

And remember that my feelings and emotions are still there.

And allow me to cry from time to time.

And always remember how much I love each of you and try to imagine that it must be hard to be you too.

 I am learning to deal with my diagnosis with a smile on my face.

 And there is always a blessing in the curse.