An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Camille,

As you stare into the mirror at what has become the skeleton of your body, remember this: you are TOUGH and you are a FIGHTER. Things haven't always been this way, and things will get back to normal. Sleeping in, naps, IVs, and doctors appointments have become routine lately. And quite frankly, I don't blame you if you are sick and tired of it. It's not fair that you have to experience the magnitude of such a fragile body at the golden age of 22. But you know what? God more than makes up for all the unfairness of this lifetime. And you are handling things pretty darn well.

Remember a few weeks ago? The pain was a 20/10 and you felt like glass. Camille, things are going to get better and you will find a treatment that works for you. Perhaps things got so scary so that you could open up your stubborn heart towards other treatment options, such as medication. Those herbs, supplements, and well wishing people can help. But that is not the end. This is a chronic condition, meaning most likely and very probably permanent. Yes, miracles do happen. But if you are taking a medicine for life, isn't that a whole lot better than what you are experiencing now?

Camille, you are incredible. Give yourself a break and allow yourself time to heal. I know you want to be working right now, but healing is also a full time job. You and your health needs to be your first priority so that you can be there for the ones you love. <3

The internet is a scary place. Beware of people making claims of self healing and invoking incredible fear. It is good to educate yourself about risks, treatments, life with crohn's, etc. But this is your novel in the making. The story is not over and you are going to overcome. Heck, you even just finished a half marathon 3 months ago under 2 hours and you were carrying such a heavy load of an impeding seemingly never ending flare. This flare WILL go away. Don't you dare give up.

There is much happiness ahead and there is also much happiness in the NOW. You have the gift of time right now. You are graduated and have the luxury of time in the sense of self discovery. Camille, you are sick right now so that you can become the person you were destined to be. Once you learn from this nasty sickness you will be able to go and help other people overcome as well. No pain, no gain, right?

Your doctors are your friends. They may not know everything, and you do need to be your own advocate. But they are SPECIALISTS. Stop being so stubborn and open up your heart to some help and healing. Perhaps the medicine won't work, if so, try try again. Something has to work. Something will work. Oh, and keep taking care of your body too. Medicine isn't the end of the road. Wellness encompasses so much. And stay close to your Heavenly Father too, He's got your back.

Your family, friends, and fiancé, they all LOVE you. Not for "me when I get better" but they love you for you. Right here, right now. Allow them to love you and open up yourself to love. YOU ARE LOVABLE. This trial that you are going through is allowing other people the gift to serve. You are not a burden and are doing the absolute best that you can.

You are going to be ok.

Love,

Your very strong and trying self--- Camille

Ok, friends, family, random people reading this blog. Yes, I am still sick. Which is probably why I have fallen off the face of the earth for many of you. I don't know when this will end, I hope soon. But there is hope and healing along the way. I never would wish this upon anyone and I would never want to go through this horrible pain ever again. But I would never give up this opportunity to discover myself. Really truly. Yes, this is hard and I want it to be over. But it is making me into the me I am supposed to be.

I testify that Heavenly Father loves each of us and totally knows exactly what we are going through. He made us and knows us individually. He really has 'got my back' and because of that, things really aren't so scary after all.

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes and thoughts. I really will be ok. It's nice to have empathy, but I also just want friendship and to be treated as if this wasn't really such a big deal. I love you all and thank you for helping me to be strong.

Go find your blessing in the curse!